Thoughts of an Ex Warlord
by Rebelleader1011
Summary: Jimbei's thoughts when he is comforting Luffy after Ace's death. Spoilers for after the war. One shot please enjoy and review


I sigh as I step into the jungle of Amazon Lily. It feels like forever since Luffy-kun tore though the fence to keep us by the sea and into the jungle, blinded by grief and rage.

I knew he wanted to be alone, for us not to see his grief and suffering, and I wanted to fulfill that wish.

But I also knew Luffy was a people centric person. That much was obvious by the way he attracted friends on the battlefield at Marineford. So effective was his charisma that enemies wanted him to succeed to save his brother, like Mihawk and Hancock Boa. He even gained the respect of old Whitebeard, the strongest man in the world.

That's why I was following him, because I knew he wanted a hand of comfort from someone. I wasn't a comforting person, but I had to be better then nothing. That's why I gave him a little time to himself before following him.

It is easy to follow Luffy-kun's trail. Trees are snapped like twigs and rocks are smashed to bits. I pause and survey the damage. To be able to do this when he has a serious injury just shows how enraged he is.

Emotions surely are a powerful thing.

I look down to see the noticeable trail of blood through the grass.

I remember what Trafalgar Law said; that Luffy-kun would die if his injury opened up. I couldn't let that happen, not after the boy, and Ace-san, had sacrificed so much.

This however was a thin trail, not enough to cause Luffy-kun's death. He was trying to find refuge in the physical pain he is giving himself. It is so much easier to deal with and less painful then the emotional pain.

He is trying to drown out the hurt dealt to his heart. Nothing else matters to him now.

I have to find him quickly before he does any real damage. He might not be in control of his body and might not realize the damage he is giving himself.

My sandals clop against the ground loudly as I follow the path of destruction, thinking about the boy. Ace-san had spoken so highly of him, easily letting the fondness sneak into his voice when talking about him, a light in the dark depressing sixth hell in Impel Down. If Luffy-kun loved Ace-san even half of what Ace-san loved him, then I am not surprised that Luffy-kun is so grief-stricken.

Ivankov had told me what Luffy-kun went through before he met me in Impel Down. That he had faced the dreaded jailor Magellan and lost, condemned to die by his poisonous attacks. He had begged Ivankov to save a friend of his who was injured instead of himself who was dying, proving just how important friends were to him. He had given up ten years off his life for Ivankov's treatment to live, to save Ace-san. He freed me and fought through six hells, twice.

He had gained my respect during the war due to his dauntless courage, his strength, and his irrepressible determination. It had made him unrivaled on the battlefield. Those assets had helped him challenge people like Whitebeard and the three admirals without a second thought. Those assets made him forget the injuries and exhaustion he had suffered at Impel Down, and become humble enough to ask me for favors. Those assets made him get up every time he was kicked down.

All for the sake of saving his beloved older brother.

Then his courage, his strength, and his determination had been stripped away from him as Ace-san gave his life for him.

I never was an emotion person, but hearing Luffy-kun's horrified and sorrowful screams at Marineford had shaken me to the core. He had been so strong only a minute before, and then had turned into a vulnerable boy.

It wasn't surprising. Luffy-kun was so strong and determined that I had forgotten that he was seventeen years old. He was so young to have something so tragic happen to him.

I have had my fair dealings with grieving so I can control it most of the time, but Luffy-kun is still young.

I vowed I would protect him with my life. Ace-san asked me to, but I had refused, because I only take care of people who I respect.

I respect Luffy-kun. That is why I am following him into this forest.

Suddenly I hear a yell.

"Go away! Go away! No! Go away! Go away!"

I pause. Did he mean me? Did he really want to be alone? No, he couldn't have sensed me with his mind as clouded as it was. He was yelling at something else.

I look up at a giant crumbling sound to see a nearby mountain demolished by a giant boulder. I pick up my pace slightly but kept walking, giving Luffy-kun time to try to pull himself together.

Finally, I see him. He is kneeling in the dust, his white bandages dirty and blood stained. He is breathing hard, black hair covering his eyes. He obviously overexerted himself.

Luffy-kun raised his head as he sensed my approach. I stop not ten paces from him. He grits his teeth painfully and I see the unbridled rage in his eyes. He wants to hurt something; I can see it in his eyes.

I once again remember Ace-san's words from Impel Down. _If I don't escape death, I'm sorry, but could you look after my brother?_

I decide the best way for Luffy-kun to deal with the grief is not to beat around the bush. He is probably in denial about Ace-san's death, and he needs to know the truth, no matter how horrible it was. That is the first step to healing.

"The war is over."

I tell him, hoping that this good news would help soften the blow that was coming. I took a deep breath and say.

"Ace-san is—"

"Don't say it! Don't say anything!"

He interrupts me, yelling at me angrily. I stay silent. As I thought, he is in denial. He is trying so hard to keep the truth out. Luffy-kun looks at me and says in a rush of anger.

"I have already pinched myself hard enough to rip my skin. If it were a dream, I would have woken up by now."

I just look at him as my heart stops, his grief shaking me.

"It's not a dream, is it?"

I see the immediate change in Luffy-kun's eyes, the transition from rage to absolute anguish. That's when I see just how broken this boy is, how shattered his soul really was. His innocent naivety that I had admired was gone, leaving behind the harsh reality that the world had shoved on his young shoulders.

Tears gather in his young eyes and spill down his cheeks. I can hear him choking back his sobs, trying hard not to break completely. I try not to show the pity in my eyes. I know he wouldn't want pity. He just wanted a friend.

"Ace is really dead, isn't he?"

I hear the pleading in his voice; begging me to tell him it wasn't true. Unfortunately, I couldn't lie to him. I affirm.

"Yes, he is dead."

Luffy-kun's face contorts and the sob that he had been holding back rips from his throat. There it was. The truth. I saw it hit Luffy-kun like one of Whitebeard's tidal waves, shaking him to the very essence of his being. He lifts his face to the sky and screams, letting all his anguish and suffering spill into that one word.

"ACE!"

I can hear the longing, the guilt, and the pain in his voice as he yells his brother's name to the skies. I decide to stay quiet, letting him say what he wants to say before I try to console him.

The yell dies, instead turns into helpless, inconsolable sobbing. I wait, knowing he will let me know when he is ready. I couldn't help but feel the tears in my own eyes as I say his name softly, hoping to comfort even though I know it won't.

"Luffy-kun."

He brings his face back down and covers it with his hands, but I still see his tear-stained eyes. I gulp because I can see the very thing that I had never thought to see on Luffy-kun's face: doubt. He weeps bitterly.

"Pirate king? Yeah right."

I clench my fist at the brokenness in Luffy-kun's voice, the doubt. He had challenged Whitebeard, the strongest man in the world, with his dream to become pirate king. He had told him with complete conviction, and I knew he would die to fulfill it. That was just how dedicated Luffy-kun was. Once he was in something, he would follow it through until the end.

Like saving Ace.

Now I hear him saying that he can't accomplish his dream that he would risk his life for.

Ace-san's death had completely destroyed his brother. Luffy-kun's hopes, ambitions, and strengths were all due to Ace-san, for wanting to surpass him. Now without him, Luffy-kun is like a building with no foundation, no pillar to hold him up.

I snap out of my thoughts as Luffy-kun continues unashamedly, uncaringly. He stumbles over his words, and I know that somewhere in there, Luffy-kun was trying to regain control of his mind, to boost his confidence again. But it doesn't work, and he loses to the grief controlling his mind.

"I'm…I'm…I'm…"

He chokes and I close my eyes, not wanting to see him, not wanting to hear the next word that he is fighting to keep inside.

"I'm weak!"

He yells the word weak like it is a sin that he is committed, that he is confessing to the world what it is. I know he doesn't want to be weak and I know he isn't weak, but facing all of the enemies at Marineford must have crushed his spirit more then I thought.

Now I see that Ace-san's death is not the only thing bothering Luffy-kun. It is the root of the problem, but not the only thing. Luffy-kun fought hard, but he lost many battles, probably not something he did every day. He was the kind of person who would fight until he died to beat the person. That image that he held of himself was shattered at Marineford as enemy after enemy defeated him.

War changes everyone, and I think Luffy-kun got destroyed more then most.

More crumbling and I see Luffy-kun destroying a large boulder with anything, his hands, his head. Anything to ease the pain of Ace-san's death. He slams his fist into the ground repeatedly in his blind, grief-filled rage.

"Damn it all! I am so weak! I can't protect anything!"

That's when I come to a realization.

Luffy-kun thinks it's his fault Ace-san died.

He doesn't understand that Ace-san died to protect him of his own free will. I don't think he ever will. But the thought tears my heart apart. Already the feeling of grief was taking over his mind, now the guilt was helping it destroy Luffy-kun's sanity. He keeps punching the ground, his knuckles bleeding. He seems to have forgotten I was here.

"Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!"

He curses wildly, cursing the unfair world that took his brother from him, cursing himself for supposedly not doing anything. Cursing himself for the supposed weakness that is exposed.

The sob catches in his throat again, and he is breathing hard but no more sobs follow. I highly doubt it is because Luffy-kun has stopped grieving. Perhaps it is because he has given up the fight for his mind.

I need to fix this. I can't let Luffy-kun get consumed by his grief.

I say quietly.

"Luffy-kun."

He immediately remembers that I am here and the hatred returns to his voice.

"Go away! Just leave me alone!"

I sigh inwardly. It is subtle but I can still hear the plea for friendship in his tone, the plea for someone to help him through this. I remember Trafalgar Law's warning as I reply calmly, fighting down my concern for him.

"I cannot do that. I cannot let you hurt yourself any more then you already have."

His body tenses and I feel the heat of anger rolling off him in waves.

"It's my body. I can do whatever I want with it."

I blink. Has he given up the will to live? Does he want his wound to open up? The grief was taking over and I was doing nothing to stop it. I had to do something. First, I had to reassure him that Ace-san's death wasn't his fault.

"If so, then Ace-san's body was his own too. He was free to die, regardless of what we wanted."

The effect was opposite of what I wanted. Luffy-kun turned to me with eyes of blistering fury.

"Be quiet. The next time you say something I will beat the crap out of you."

I ready myself for the fight that was undoubtedly coming my way. Maybe letting him vent would blow off some of the steam that was clouding his mind. Then we could talk rationally, I hoped. Besides, maybe I could beat some senses into him.

"If that will make you feel better then go ahead and try."

Luffy-kun stands and staggers, but stays on his feet. The pain in his eyes is almost heartbreaking, but I also know it would be to my advantage. Luffy-kun fighting like this would be easily predictable, and he wouldn't fight well. I warned him of this.

"I am weakened myself but I will not lose to you. Not as you are now."

I wouldn't lose to him because if I lost, so was he. I was the only thing keeping him out of the void of insanity right now and he knew it. That's why he wanted to fight me so bad, because he didn't want me to pull him back. Luffy-kun had almost given up on his fight against his mind and he just wanted to give into it. I wouldn't let him do that, not in a million years.

I put myself into a fighting stance as Luffy-kun runs toward me.

"Gumo gumo no pistol."

As I thought, the move is predictable and easy to deal with. I dodge, grabbing the outstretched arm and flipped Luffy-kun over my shoulder as gently as I could, releasing a quiet growl. He gives a small choking noise and blood bursts from his lips. I immediately hope it wasn't too hard on him and remember Law's warning.

I suddenly feel the weakness of my own limbs and stagger at the pain in my chest. I haven't healed yet either.

Luffy-kun is lying on the ground with his eyes closed and breathing hard. He isn't getting up. I feel a tiny shot of relief thrill me as I quietly sit down beside him. Now we will be able to talk, I hope.

While waiting for Luffy-kun to get up, my thoughts drift to Ace-san. What he said to me in Impel Down during our imprisonment.

_Jinbei, while I was out chasing Teach, I met my little brother for the first time in three years in Alabasta kingdom. As soon as I saw him, I felt relieved. Why do you think that is?_

My thoughts are interrupted by an animal growl and pain shooting up my arm. I immediately jerk out of my thoughts to see Luffy-kun biting my arm for all he was worth. How could I have forgotten what a fighting spirit he had? I try to shake him off.

"Ow! That hurts."

It would have been comical if not for the situation. He wasn't letting go. Getting a little frustrated, I yell.

"I said that hurts you little brat."

I throw him across the clearing into another boulder. He is gritting his teeth in pain but I don't care. In a few quick strides I am across the clearing and pinning Luffy-kun to the boulder by his throat.

He struggles feebly in my grasp, trying to loosen my strong grip. Beating him didn't work, so time to just hold him down and make him listen. I had to do it for Ace-san, and I had to do it for Luffy-kun. I know deep down he wanted to bounce back just as badly as I wanted him to. All I can do is let him have a way to deal with his feelings. He squirmed under my webbed fingers as I ask almost desperately, my emotions easily creeping into my voice.

"Can you not see anything? The confidence that you will overcome all obstacles, your strength that you have never doubted before."

He cracks an eye at me almost disbelievingly. I can almost hear him ask sorrowfully. _Confidence? Strength? I don't have those, never did have strength._ I continue, speaking the truth. My voice becomes angry, but only because I am worried. I fear the darkness that is consuming my friend, but I will bring him back.

"A horde of ruthless enemies ruthlessly shattered your beliefs and rendered you unable to do a thing. And then there is your brother, who was your guiding light. You have lost so many things."

At least now he appears to be listening to my words even though he continues to struggle. I keep my words loud, but precise, trying to get my point across.

"The great obstacle known as the world is blocking your vision."

I can see the internal battle within his eyes, as if he is counting all of the enemies that he couldn't defeat on the battlefield, counting all the weaknesses that he had shown. He is counting them and it is adding to the weight on his shoulders. I immediately try to bring him back.

"As you are now, you cannot see anything. You are being consumed by dark clouds of regret and self-blame. It might be hard for you but Luffy, you have to defeat those feelings."

I called Luffy-kun by Luffy because I was treating him as an adult; no mere boy would be able to conquer this heartache. I knew if he tried he would succeed. Now he just needed the will. And I was telling him exactly what he wanted to hear. I think of Ace-san as I say, hoping Luffy-kun will understand.

"Don't just count the things you've lost. What's gone is gone, but ask yourself this: what remains?"

He needed to hear from somebody that he needed to, and could, defeat these feelings. He wanted to hear that he still had a friend that cared about him and wanted him back. It was the thing that could kick start his will, his will to live, his will to fight, and his confidence.

There is a moment of silence in the clearing. His eyes are stubbornly screwed shut, not wanting to see the truth as it was. But finally he opened them, and I can see the shock in them. His arms, which had been grappling at my arm, drop lifelessly to his sides. I have done all that I could for him. Now it was all up to Luffy-kun.

I let go of him and step back, letting him slide down the rock that I had been holding him against. He crouched there, staring at nothing for a few seconds, letting my words sink in. I silently begged him.

_Come on Luffy-kun, don't fight through the Worlds Impenetrable Prison and Marine Headquarters only to be defeated by your own mind. Ace-san wouldn't have wanted this._

I watch him as he looks at his hands and, almost childishly, bends his thumb slightly.

I feel a little relief as I glimpse a little bit of innocence that I had thought he had lost but I wondered what he was doing. He bends his index finger down, slightly more forcefully.

By the third finger, tears are streaming from his eyes and down his cheeks but I don't try to stop him. This was different from his grieving; this was almost a healthy crying, one that was relieving him of the pain on his shoulders. This seemed like a cry of happiness. That's when I realized.

He really had taken my words to heart.

He was counting what he had left.

He was holding down eight fingers when he finally stopped, releasing his fingers and crying silently. I don't know whether to console him or not when he bursts out tearfully.

"My crew! I still have my crew! Zoro! Nami! Usopp! Sanji! Chopper! Robin! Franky! Brook! My friends are still here!"

I smile for the first time in a long while with relief. I should have never doubted that Luffy-kun would pull through, and I knew he wouldn't grieve anymore. I smile knowingly because I know myself just how important a crew is to their captain. I am glad that Luffy-kun finally is able to see the light again.

"I see."

I relax as he wipes his eyes, scrubbing them with the back of his hand as he explains, sniffling.

"We agreed on a meeting place. I have to go. I am pretty late though. I'm sure they are all waiting for me."

Once again, I think back to Ace-san's words in Impel Down.

_What I saw there, Jimbei, I saw that he was no longer the same old Luffy who'd always chase after me. He's got a reliable crew of his own. No matter what happens he will be all right. I was relieved._

I smile at Ace-san's words. He was right; Luffy-kun's nakama had been the trigger that brought him out of his misery. They had given him something to live for, something to take care of. I sit down in front of Luffy-kun. He says into his knees.

"I want to see them soon."

He raised his head and yells to the skies, almost in defiance.

"I want to see them again!"

His eyes are now bright; his misery is now suppressed, not gone, but taken care of. He will not falter again, and his battle in his mid is over. That's when I know he is going to be all right.

Silently, I send a prayer to the rest of the Straw-hat pirates. I thank them for helping Luffy-kun through this, and also commend them in having such a captain. Luffy-kun wipes his eyes and actually smiles faintly at me.

"Thank you, Jimbei."

I smile, nodding. I would do it again in a heartbeat, and he knows it.

Luffy-kun will continue to greatness, but he will never forget his older brother's death. But he will never go through the grief again, because he has such great friends.


End file.
